FOR SHAME!

24 Aug

So friends.

I am ashamed.

I invited to you to yet another public chastisement of myself for myself, staring MYSELF.  The intention of becoming a better, truer person begins with telling your truth.  So, let’s get started.

Here’s what I am ashamed about:

Playing God.

 

Yep.  I’m dumb.  Cause no one plays God better than God right?  All those verses about trusting that God has a plan.  It’s true.  For my skeptics, here is my testimony.

For the past 2 1/2 years, I have tried to start something.  Anything.

ANY.THING, people ANYTHING!

Leadership, ideas, problem solving, those are my gifts and I just naturally assumed that I should be starting something.  I should look around, find something worthwhile and start it.  Lead it.  Solve the problem. Bestow my “amazing” gifts on this world that is so desperate to have my ideas jammed down its throat.  Lucky you – you get me.

Example 1:

We need a MOPS group in my neck of the woods. I’d bet on it.  I KNOW we need a MOPS and God certainly knows we need a MOPS.  I need to do this.  Thank you God for giving me the power to think of this “solution” to this “problem” that I just made up.  Done.  I can start that.  It IS going to work cause, duh, God wants it.

Here’s the outcome:

MOPS group in my neighborhood?  Hello?  Are you there? Helloooooo?

Nope.  Crashed and burned. Everything went wrong.  EVERYTHING.  In fact, I am trying to think of just ONE thing that went right and I can’t think of one.  Not one.  And folks – I TRIED. And since I tried, it must be everyone else, or bad timing or poor leadership or drama from the “haters”, etc. Must be.  So, I take my licks and think:  Well, why didn’t it get off the ground?

So I start off to solve that problem, and BAM!  My highly enlightened self finds a solution: ME.  I will just remove the need for any outside help and I will be success.  I mean, the program will be a success.

Example 2: Started a Meet-up for the ENTIRE family, for the community. Brilliant right?  Here’s the outcome:

Meet-up are you there?  Meet-up……..? HELLOOOOOO?

Nope.  I can’t even say that it crashed because it NEVER FLEW!!!  The only person to show up was my one true friend, and she doesn’t count because that’s what one true friends do, save you from total embarrassment.  Not even my crew showed up, my other friends don’t come.  NOT ONE.  If that doesn’t say you suck, nothing does.

And so, I take a break from starting anything.  This must be a sign, it’s just not the right time.

Example 3: Except, school.  Yep, that’s right – back to school I go!  Gotta finish that degree.  Gotta be a good example. Gotta take this amazing brain I was given and put it to good use.  RIGHT?

Grades: A-, B+, B-, C+

HA! Not great.  I mean, not failing but definitely NOT GOOD. I plug along because I unlike my other endeavors, I haven’t COMPLETELY failed, so I just keep pushing forward.

And then, something happens.  I start a business.  This wasn’t my idea, although, it has been in my brain, whispering in my ear for about 5 years.  Someone had to come to us and say, “Are you guys STUPID, you should start a business!  I will even help you get off the ground!”

And so I do.  Outcome:

Better than my wildest dreams.

Easier than I can ever imagine.

More support than I could have even HOPED for.

Talent?  Married to it.  Money?  Offered out of the blue. Competition? Hardly. Market? EVERYONE.

It couldn’t have been easier to start.

Yes, of course it’s time consuming and takes effort.  But it doesn’t feel like running into a brick wall at every turn, because that’s how I felt with those other projects.  Makes you wonder, right?  That little voice in my ear.  That little nagging thought in the back of my mind…

I am pretty sure that was God.  But I ignored it because what I wanted had to be NOBLE, had to be FREE, had to scream, “LOOK AT THIS AWESOME, FREE, AMAZING gODLY THING I HAVE STARTED!! Aren’t I GREAT?”

And it always failed.

FAILED.

 It’s my fault because I told GOD what was best.  I played god to GOD.  I told him, “You know what GOD, you don’t know what you’re talking about! If I am going to start something it has to be screaming godliness and righteousness and it has to show EVERYONE how godly I am.  So listen, stop telling me to start something that isn’t screaming CHRISTIANITY, because that is what I am supposed to do!”  (By the way, I am pretty sure that is a main reason the secular world is so annoyed with us.  Always having to shove our “godly” work on other people.  Instead shouldn’t we just  do regular work with Godly inspiration?! )

And He said, “Ok, do it. Be my guest.”

So I tried really hard.  I am pretty sure I either cracked him up trying so hard or maybe broke His heart.  Maybe both.

Just let that sink in……

So friends, I am here, ashamed.   They failed because it wasn’t what I was supposed to do.  I dressed it up in pretty, “Christian” wrapping, with a little, “community service” bow and thought it’d be good enough, because I mean, it wasn’t about me, it was about you.  I was doing you and God a favor by being so giving and wonderful.

Lucky you.

Now I realize, I never had a starting chance.  I was wrong, God was right. I was the hamster, my “intentions” were the wheel.  And I just stepped off, started nibbling on my carrot and realized:

God is really REALLLY good at playing GOD.

We should just let him, don’t you think?  If we are trying so hard and never achieving, if we are frustrated to no end, if we are MAD at people, maybe it’s just not in the plan.  Maybe if you’re reallllly slow like me, it’ll take several failures to realize that you suck. Forcing the things that you want, you’re going to suck at it every.single.time.

I’d like to hear your thoughts on failure.  What did you learn from it?  Are you as stubborn as I am?  What did it take for you to go a different way?  Are you happier?

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2 Responses to “FOR SHAME!”

  1. gmc3mom August 24, 2014 at 11:23 PM #

    I can’t even begin to tell you how much this speaks to me. I have felt some of the same things… almost identical. There was 1 thing in particular where I felt like a failure (starting a momsnext group) and then other situations where I didn’t understand why I wasn’t being used to my fullest potential. I had the right “spiritual gifts” and in many cases I was already doing the work, just without the title or recognition. I couldn’t understand why I was being held back, I’d get frustrated and angry. Then I realized, VERY recently, that it was simply because my gifts and talents would be used… just not in these avenues and just not NOW. God had a different plan. I was looking at the here and now, God was looking at next & the future. We, I, need to get out of God’s way a lot more often. LOL

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