Tag Archives: Life

Great Expectations = Great Lamentations

16 Sep

Ever feel like you’ve set YOURSELF up to fail?? Ever felt like YOU are your own worst enemy??
Me too. All the time.
Expectations.
Expectations People!!
Sigh……..
They’ve ruined my day, my week, my year and my relationships. I am alone in this?! I think not. I hope not!!! And here’s the thing, I wish I had some mind-boggling, life changing advice for you on managing your expectations.  I do not.  Sorry about this guys, because let me tell you, I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now, and I STILL have nothing concrete to share.

1. Relationships
I have two kids.  Wonderful, beautiful, funny and amazing kids.  Having these two kids, well, it changed me.  BIG TIME.  It seems as though my life, built around raising these two kids, has become super black and white.  Things either “ARE” or “ARE NOT.”  You, reader, either ARE or ARE NOT.  You either are HELPFUL or HURTFUL.  YOU either ADD to my life, or,  you TAKE AWAY.  I just can’t handle distractions.  Even if you’re someone important to me.  I guess, somewhere along the line, when I changed, I just EXPECTED everyone to understand.  They do not. Maybe other parents understand, but maybe not.  Maybe this is just me.  I know I have hurt others when I cut them out of my life because they fell into the, “ARE NOT” category.  But I just don’t know how to manage the expectation that if you aren’t  WITH me, you’re AGAINST me.  Not “against me” in a malicious way, but as in “I just take another ounce of drama that saps my energy.”  I can’t take another conversation where someone drones on and on about issues that they won’t change. I can’t handle you drinking too much,  when I can’t drink enough.  I can’t handle another phantom injury, when my kid has Autism.  I can’t handle your crappy marriage when I have a husband that is gone constantly.  I can’t handle it and WHY WHY can’t they understand it?!?!  Don’t they know I HAVE CHANGED!?!?!  I expect that when you see me chasing after my kids, or cleaning up their poop portraits on the walls, you’d KNOW that I can’t give you anymore.  Isn’t it OBVIOUS!?!?!?!

No.  It isn’t.  Know why?  I do.

BECAUSE IT IS WRONG.

Are you shocked?  I bet I had a few fellow moms rollin’ along with me.  Sorry ladies.  We are wrong.  People don’t understand.  People don’t get it.  And it’s because they NEED YOU TOO.  The two categories,  ARE and ARE NOT, they will isolate you from people who love you.  There is somewhere in between ARE and ARE NOT and that place is TRY HARDER.  The try harder place, is beyond all expectations.  It’s the place where you find strength not from yourself, but from something stronger.  TRY HARDER.  I don’t have the time for it.  I don’t have the energy for it.  But unless I want to be a lonely woman, I have got to let that black and white expectation go.  Have you done it? Show me how!!!!

2. My children.

When I decided to have kids, I decided to set myself up for failure in the expectations department.  I thought, “I will get pregnant without issue, my baby will be born no problem, my kid will be awesome, my marriage will be rock solid, and I can have a life.”

EPIC LAMENTATIONS from those expectations. 

My life thus far, has been a slow and looooong rehabilitation from those simple yet IGNORANT expectations.  My kids don’t behave on Mother’s Day.  My kids don’t sleep at night.  My daughter insists that the color blue is really green.  My son argues with me, and then just starts roaring like a T-rex.  I LIVE for time with my husband and time with my girlfriends.  Yeah, those expectations, they really are like land mines.  I forget about them sometimes.  I will be be-boppin’ along in life and then WHAM!!!!!!!!  One explodes that I forgot was even there, and it makes me want to tear my hair out.   I blame the Brady Brunch re-runs I used to watch when I was younger.  That life with a family, might have its petty little problems, ones that the studio audience will chuckle at.  But nothing serious, nothing scary. When I saw with my own eyes that my son had become the FREAK.  No one was laughing.  When my daughter would climb up on the cabinets and wield my favorite chef’s knife like a samurai sword, no one chuckled.

3.  Cecilia (That’s me.)

I expected to take this “family thing” in stride.  NOT happening.  I am not striding.  I am on the asphalt with my dress over my head and my panties with red cherries are visible to the WHOLE WORLD. ( yeah, that happened to me.)  I struggle with feeling trapped.  I struggle with the enormity of my responsibility.  I struggle with jealousy pangs when I see my friends without family traveling the globe. Or buying nice purses when I had to sell mine to pay for our guest bathroom remodel.  I expected to still get to be ME.  I am adventurous.  I am ambitious.  I have no fear.

Well, I’ve gone THREE YEARS without flying on an airplane to a new adventure.  I have done NOTHING new.  I get scared, really scared sometimes.  I wish that I had left myself open.  I wish that I had asked God for his plan for me, EVERY SINGLE DAY.  That would have squashed those nasty expectations.  

If I could just wake up with NOTHING but an open heart, I would be more content.  That’s the key don’t you think?  Don’t you think that if I could learn to approach with thanksgiving and NOT expectation that I would be a better mom and wife and friend?  Would you?  Could you? (in a box, with a fox?) How do you manage your expectations?  I struggle with mine constantly.  Have you mastered them?  HOW???  Lay some knowledge and wisdom down in the comments sections.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

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AUTISM and 6 reasons I might be MENTALLY punching you in the face!

23 Apr

(Warning, this could post could offend you. WARNING, you might disagree.  WARNING, I’m a teensy bit FIRED UP, I’ve had one of my hubby famous margaritas, and my default emotion is sarcasm with a side bluntness!!)

It’s April.  And it’s ASD awareness month, so let me drop a little “awareness” on you.

This kid.

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This kid, who has my eyes, his Daddy face and a smile all his own.

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This handsome, funny, and tender-hearted kid has

AUTISM.

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Don’t feel sorry for us, he’s awesome.  In fact, your pity, really offends me.  You WISH you were as cool as my kid! So take your pity and your “sympathy” and shove it!  Yes, I get a little aggressive when it comes to my kid.  If you have kids, you’ll understand.  (And if you don’t have kids, imagine a little mini-you combined with a little mini version of the person you’re in love with, and then make them innocent.  Make them need you in the way that grass needs water.  Make them so profoundly amazing that it’ll bring you closer to God.  Make the thought of someone hurting that little mini-you, send you into a rage that is BIBLICAL.  Like raining fire and brimstone.  Oh, you just stepped on his toe?  Sorry about the whole brimstone stuff.  I’ve been known to overreact.)

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If you don’t know how to act when you’re around us, I am here to help you become “aware.”   I didn’t accidentally name my blog, “Mrs.Not.So.Perfect.”  I am the FARTHEST thing from perfect, and you can’t be my friend if you are perfect.  So here is a list of things NOT to do, because it’s WAAY beyond me to tell anyone how they SHOULD act.  LOL.

I’m not bossy, I am “aggressively HELPFUL!” ( Thanks JB.)

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So if you see me and my kiddo out at the park, here’s a list of things NOT TO DO, or else you’ll know without a shadow of a doubt, that I am punching you in the face… mentally that is.

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1. When you find out he has ASD, say something like, “Really?  I don’t see it!”

Are you a Neurologist?  Are you in ANY WAY qualified to say what makes a kid have ASD or not?  I don’t care if you are a therapist (qualified for therapy), a teacher (qualified for teaching), a mother/father of 25 children (qualified for the loony bin or the medal of honor), a scientist (debatable what you could be qualified as), a grandparent (qualified for spoiling) or a preacher (qualified for spiritual support).  Unless you are QUALIFIED to diagnosis my kid, don’t question me.  I prayed for months, asking for the  ASD signs to go away and they didn’t.  Then I woke up one day and realized that he was still awesome.  He was still everything I ever dreamed of and hoped for.  And most importantly, he was still the child God gave me to raise up and help become a wonderful man. Maybe you meant to flatter me, but you’re not.  Because I know, you don’t know jack about it when you say something like that.

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2. Talk to me about people who have “healed” their kids.

You can’t CURE ASD.  Not yet.  When most research doesn’t indicate what causes it, how can there possibly be a cure? You can teach coping skills, social tools, communication skills and reduce behaviors, but if you “know of someone-who knows someone-who’s child has ASD”,  that went off gluten and is SURPRISE!!!!! 100 % CURED, chances are they had gluten allergies.  Show me something published by someone REPUTABLE, not an ex-playboy bunny who got airtime on Oprah, then had to come on again to apologize for starting a movement that was based on crap.

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3. Talk to my kid like he’s stupid.

He’s not stupid.  In fact, he’s probably smarter than you.  He might not look you in the eyes or communicate with you the way you’d like him to.  In fact, you might not even be sure that he’s heard you, because he’s covering his ears.  But chances are, when we get home, he’ll repeat word for word what you said, in the bathtub while he’s pretending to be an alligator.  IMG_1542

4. Be a school that tells me what my kid CAN or CANNOT DO.

Here’s the thing.  You don’t know.  So just TEACH him please.  He might frustrate you, he might disrupt your classroom, but he’s IN THE “Special” kid program for a REASON!!!  He’s tough, you don’t have to tell me.  One minute, he’s got you walking on cloud nine because he said that he thinks you’re, “PERFECT” and another minute, you’re having to take yoga breaths because he starting screaming nonstop.  But my kid CAN be taught and he CAN learn, just don’t give up on him.  Help me help you.  Tell me what is going on at school so we can work on it at home.  Of course there are some instances where you are just going to have to PROVE yourself to my son.  Today in car line, the substitute teacher said he had a H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E (she spelled it out) day and needed a talking to.  What happened?  Did he bite someone?  Did he scream until he made OTHER kids throw up?  Did he take off on you in the lunch room and made you chase him like a greyhound after the electric bunny?

Nope.  He saw a puddle and jumped in it.

Seriously? Seriously???????  Geez Lady.  You are in the wrong classroom if that is what a horrible day looks like.

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5.  Undermine our routine.

Do you have pictures of a cartoon character brushing his teeth, his hair, going potty and getting dressed on a laminated schedule on your wall?  Well, I do.  Routine makes and breaks us around here. It is one of the ONLY ways my son copes with the torrential amount of information forcing its way into his little brain.  Respect the routine.  You aren’t doing him any favors by letting him stay up late, he’ll be miserable in the morning because he ALWAYS wakes up at the same time.  You aren’t being nice by letting him play cars instead of reading two books before bed, he’ll wake up at 3am screaming that he didn’t get his books.

Routine.  We need it.  Respect or die.  (just kidding on the death part.)

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6. Act like ASD is a death sentence.

Autism is hard to deal with, hard to parent, and even harder to understand.  Some parents have children whose ASD symptoms are so severe that getting through each day is a miracle.  Some kids have ASD and seem pretty normal, until you mess up their routine, or try to feed them anything that’s not crunchy, or talk too loud, or wash their sheets in a different laundry detergent, or tell them no, or so on. But as far ASD in the scheme of terrible things that can be wrong with your child, it’s not the end all.  So DON’T gasp in horror. DON’T shield your child from my child like they can catch it like a cold.  DON’T ignore  your child if they have several signs and symptoms, because you’re afraid of a label.  DON’T pigeon-hole him.  DON’T force your idea of what he should be doing on him.  DON’T act like my kid is less than.  DON’T say that we did something to cause this.  DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR US!  We have love, we have a purpose, and we have support.  DON’T tell me he needs medication, DON’T tell me he doesn’t.

***************************DON’T tell me that ASD is the trendy excuse for badly behaved kids-I might ACTUALLY punch you then. HARD. IN THE FACE.*******************************

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Here are somethings you can do (I’m totally contradicting myself when I said I wouldn’t do this, I know.):

Pray for my family.

Send me info on doctors, support groups, lectures, programs, therapists, or services you’ve heard are good.

If you’ve come across some research or articles written by someone notable and reputable, send them to me. I am an animal when it comes to reading up on new developments!

If you see my kid doing good.  TELL HIM!  If you see my kid messing up,  tell ME!

Pray for my family.

Respect that we are struggling.  Everyday.

Say something like this:”Thinking of you and totally understand. Call me if you want to talk about anything – OK? Danny is going to do great and he is going to be every bit of the amazing, wonderful boy you always knew he would be.”  A woman whom I had met for 20 mins, whose son also has ASD said this to me on Facebook.  Thank you Jen M.  I cried like a baby when I read that because it was the only thing anyone had said that seemed REAL.  Thank you so VERY VERY VERY much.  I hope that I can say the EXACT right thing to someone someday, and it will totally lift their spirits, like your words did for me.  Thanks so much.

Here is our Autism:Image

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Boundaries. GET SOME!

1 Apr

So, I am learning a lot lately on the concept of BOUNDARIES.  And so far, I’ve learned two important aspects that I need to implement now.  Like YESTERDAY.  More like, “WHY in the HECK didn’t I think of this before?”  I feel like if I had done something like this earlier, I could have saved myself a CRAP TON of heartache.  Ugh, don’t you hate that?!  Learning something after the fact, after it really could’ve come in handy.  Argh!  Life can really aggravate me sometimes!  Well, to be more honest, I aggravated myself by the way I lead my life sometimes………..

Boundaries.  For me.  For you.  For everyone.  Jump on my new Bandwagon with me. We’ll have fun.

Aspecto Numero Uno – To protect other people from you:

I need someone to tell me when to stop.  I can be too forceful.  Too opinionated (thanks goodness for blogs right?!). Too BOSSY.  Too quick to make up my mind.  I NEED someone to shake me by the shoulders and say, “Enough already!!!!!” I am learning that most times, NO ONE in my life really wants to hear what I THINK they should do.  If you’re bossy like me you KNOW it’s true!! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.   I think they just ask for advice to make themselves feel better about the choice they’ve already made in their head.  How would they feel better?  Because now, they can give themselves reassurance that indeed, they asked for advice!  Whatever decision is made, it’s not impulsive!  So WHY, WHY, WHY do I keep telling people what to do???  Who made me Queen of the world? No one. But I do think I would make a great Queen if there are any countries looking. I’ll need a clothing allowance.  Just sayin’.

It stinks when people ask and don’t take your advice doesn’t it?  That phrase, “I told you so.”  It sucks.  It sucks to hear and it sucks to see someone struggle when, IF they had ONLY JUST LISTENED, it could have been avoided!!! If you like saying, “I told you so” I would like to know why, because I HATE IT!

Example: “Cecilia, my husband and I are fighting a lot over _______.”  (Money, kids, sex, religion, in-laws, ex’s, you name it)

The old me: “Well, you should get it together and stop doing _______.  That’s why you guys are fighting and if you don’t do _____ it’s just gonna get worse and then ______ will happen and it be worse and then you’ll get divorced.”  That’s a summed up version, because basically, I can talk for muuuuuch longer than that.

The ideal me: “Man, I am really sorry to hear that.  How can I help?  I will pray for you guys.  I can watch your kids when you’re in marriage counseling.  I can make you dinner to take the pressure off for a night. Is there anything in the BIBLE about that, it’s pretty much the bomb diggity as far as life lessons go. Let me clarify, are you wanting an opinion or are you just wanting to vent?”

Somewhere between the ideal me and the old me, is where I am right now.  Where are you?  You might not be bossy.  Maybe you’re smug.  Maybe you’re judgemental.  Maybe you’re an emotional roller coaster. Maybe you give and give until you’re empty. Maybe you gossip. Maybe you’re a narcissist.  We’ve all got our flaws.  You know in your heart of hearts what yours are.  Pray about it and ask God for a solution to save your relationships.  I did and boy, we came up with an answer!!  For whatever reason, God made me exactly the way I am.  It’s my challenge to find a way to channel that into something that reflects LOVE.  One of my son’s favorite books says this phrase, “I’d rather be helpful than hurtful.”  I had to start asking if I was helping or hurting with my opinions.  Here’s what I figured out with a little help from praying about it:  Ask people for a boundary and respect them.  I actually did that just today, and I really think it’s going to ease some tension in my friendship.  I asked my friend to tell me whether or not she wants my opinion and I promised to stick to it.

A woman I know offered a little advice on boundaries, “If we start out our relationships with boundaries, we stay in control. It takes more work, more effort and carries more risk to create boundaries after things go awry than if we do it ahead of time.”

Aspecto Numero Dos – To protect yourself from others:

Who takes advantage of you? (One friend had a person stay for five days when they only agreed on three!)  Who hurts your feelings?  Who makes you feel less than the super cool person you are?  I am hoping that it’s not someone you call a friend.  Read my blog on Friendship, and release that person into the ACQUAINTANCE ZONE.  I’m guessing it’s the people you can’t get rid of.

Um, not that you’d want to….

Your parents, your siblings, your boss, or maybe even your spouse?  LISTEN TO ME.

wait.  Ah shucks, there I go again, telling you what to do. BUT!  You’re reading this blog so you’ve basically signed up for my opinion.

So, LISTEN TO ME MY FRIENDS.  We are getting hurt because we have no boundaries. END OF STORY.

Remember Dr. Phil?  For some reason in my early twenties I was kinda obsessed with him.  Don’t ask.  He said something that I will NEVER forget.

“YOU TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.”

What?

Lemme break it down for you:  I know you love your Momma.  And I know your Momma loves you.  And I also KNOW that it drives you bat guano crazy when she criticizes your spouse/kids/job/life/finances/muffin top/ and so forth.  I hope you like your Boss. Or at least you NEED this job.   And I hope he (or SHE!) values you.  But I KNOW it drives you bat guano crazy when he (or SHE!) gives you work at the last-minute/micro-manages/gossips about your co-workers and so forth.  So set a boundary.  And reset. And reset again.  Set a boundary until that other person knows how you want to be treated!!

For your Momma: “Mom, I love and appreciate that you have some great advice to offer, but I really NEED to figure out what works best for ME right now.  Please give me a chance to do that.  I could really use your support, not your critiques.  I’m not in a place where I can hear that with love, no matter how constructive you mean them to be.”  Something to that effect I think would really go a long way.  She doesn’t stop?  Sometimes Mommas can be persistent.  “Mom, remember when I said I would rather have your support than your judgements?  I’m not sure you heard how seriously I feel about that.  From now on, let’s put this topic on the shelf.  I’ll ask for your advice when I think it’ll come in handy.  How’s the weather?”   Sometimes Mommas can be persistent AND carry boundary-knocking sledgehammers. “Mom, I love you and I know you love me.  Please give my requests some respect.  If you can’t withhold your judgements, which really hurt me, we aren’t going to be able to talk until you can.”  Hardcore?  I know. I am not suggesting that you cut ties with your family without provocation.  But man!!  They can hurt you.  They know how.  And you can still be honorable and respectful and refuse to sign yourself up for abuse.  TRAIN YOUR LOVED ONES on the way you want to be treated.

For your Boss: “Thanks Mr. Miyagi for trusting me with all this responsibility. How am I supposed to wax on AND off, on top all this other work?  I am grateful and excited for the opportunity to show you that I can handle it.  I am going to need to prioritize to get these things to get them done in a timely manner.  Can you show me what you want done right now, and which tasks can wait until the end of the week/month/quarter?”  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get fired over this blog.  DO NOT GET FIRED OVER THIS BLOG.  DO NOT!!!  If your boss takes advantage of you and you need the income to feed your children, DO NOT make demands of them.  DO NOT GET FIRED OVER THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!  Be persistent but not INSISTENT!  Roger that? And look for another job, WHILE YOU HAVE THAT ONE.  DO NOT GET FIRED OVER THIS BLOG!!  Ask for a plan that he (or SHE!) approves of.  If they can’t give that to you, make one yourself and then make sure you’re on the right track to complete the assignments the way they want them.  Should I say it again?  Just in case? DO NOT GET FIRED OVER THIS BLOG!

Boundaries.  They’re like well-tailored trouser pants.  Everyone needs them.  They aren’t easy to find.  And sometimes you’ll have to sacrifice something to get them.  But once you find some that work for you, you’ll never buy cheap pants again.

I hope you can be successful.  Be helpful, not hurtful. Be respectful but not a whipping post.  Train others how to treat you. DON’T GET FIRED!  

Reflect God’s LOVE. 

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How to Make Friends: Part THREE.

3 Feb

JESUS HAD A CREW, YOU SHOULD TOO!

So.  You’ve found your niche (see part 1) you’ve made a great first impression (see part 2) and NOW – drumroll please – you’ve made……. an Acquaintance!

(Sound of brakes screeching)

“Wait a minute, Cecilia!” you say, ” I wanted REAL FRIENDS! I’ve got lots of acquaintances! I want someone I can rely on, be real with, and trust my feelings with!”

Calm down……..

We’ve arrived!  Welcome to the third and final part of my series on making friends:

To make a TRUE FRIEND, you must BE a TRUE FRIEND!

READY?  This one is a bit long, but hang in there with me!

Here’s the magic, here’s the missing piece and here’s where you’ve been going wrong:

EFFORT people.

Have I offended you?  By assuming that YOU haven’t put enough effort into your relationships?  YES!!!!!  It is your fault that you don’t have friends.  I don’t want to hurt your feelings.  I really don’t.

HOWEVER…….

The whole point of me blogging is to be able to tell the truth.  To myself, to you, and to the poor soul that accidentally stumbled upon this blog.  (I’m going to pretend that you just ended up here and can’t help but read these ground breaking and enlightening thoughts of mine.)  But FEAR NOT, God is on your side and so am I!!  So let us sally forth (!) into the realm of truthful and intentional friend making!

The CREW.  I have friends that I can depend on for anything.  I can TRUST them.  I can tell them what I am struggling with, without fear of judgement.  I can trust them with knowing my past, even the UGLY stuff, because I know, they love me for who I am and who I am trying to be.  Pretty cool huh?

I know you want that too.  Who doesn’t???? And guess what, you deserve it. And you need it.  I believe that we were made to crave friendships.  But let me tell you, each one of the people in my crew, I had to hook myself.  I wish I could tell you that they walked up to me.  They didn’t.  So if you’re holding your breath, waiting for someone to approach you with that MAGICAL phrase, that will be everything you’ve ever wanted to hear about how cool you are, let it out.  Please.  You look a little silly all beet red and oxygen deprived.  I had to ask, I had to initiate, and it was a little scary at first.

 EFFORT People!

You can only control what you do, so take control of your actions!  Make them meaningful!  Find out what that makes your potential friends tick, and give it to them. As selfish as it sounds, I believe that great friendships form out of a necessity to GET SOMETHING REAL from someone else.  No, not money.  No, not power.  I am sure that if you’ve tried to get those things out of a friendship, you don’t feel good about it.  I think that the “something”, is that special thing about you, given to you by God, that makes you feel LOVED.

LOOOOOVED!!!

Not pretty.  Not smart.  Not rich and fabulous or frizz free.  I would ask you to take a second and review some of your failed attempts at friendship, what were you looking for?  What were THEY looking for???   There is a great book out there called, “The Five Love Languages.”  READ IT!  It will change you. It was so enlightening to learn how each of us were made differently, and require different types of effort to feel loved.

Mine is “Quality Time.”

I need to have people around me that can spend REAL time with me.  Time to talk or do fun things together. Time to vent, time to feel like someone really, truly gives a rat’s fart about me.  That’s why I NEED date nights with my husband, and why I NEED one-on-one time with my friends.  My friends are busy people, all have kids and some also have careers.  I know their time is precious, but in order to be what I would consider a TRUE friend, you’ve gotta give me your TIME.  Again, if I were to see someone everyday (quantity) and didn’t feel valued (quality) it would not be a worthwhile friendship.

I knew a woman who would send little encouraging cards in the mail, or every time there was a holiday or special occasion, she’d always have some little gift to give. She was a “Johnny on the Spot”. Dinner party?  She’d bring a bottle of wine.   Hospitalized?  She’d send flowers.  Need a pen?  She’d have seventeen.  Everything she did, was exactly what the books say you’re supposed to do.  It was very nice, she was thoughtful. And always prepared.  BUT!  I really could have cared less.

Harsh right? I know, I’m sorry.

The bottom line is that I needed the investment of her time, and she could never make me a priority. While I could rely on her to have nine different books on breastfeeding, I couldn’t trust her to come over and listen to what was going on in my heart.  It hurts too much to be friends with someone who can’t give you what you need. You’re always left feeling a little inadequate.

I hear you saying, “Wait a second, what if that is how she shows she cares?!!!  Can’t you be friends with someone as long as they care about you??”

I would argue that NO, you cannot.  A true friend finds what YOU need and gives it to you.  It takes EFFORT and it can be a little uncomfortable if what they need is your weakness.

But you see, that’s where the separation from “friend” and “acquaintance” come into play.  A true friend WILL SACRIFICE for you.  A true friend will do things that build you up, even if it means being uncomfortable themselves.  It’s HARD to be a true friend.  That’s why they are so very, VERY special.

Keep in mind please, that it is OKAY to be OKAY with NOT moving someone into your crew.  I knew a girl in the military, that NEEDED me to agree with everything she did.  Her need in a true friend was someone who could stand by her, no matter what.  Like, really, NO MATTER WHAT.  Sleeping with the guy you like?  “Borrowing” your credit card without telling you?   Not lying, but “omitting.”  I couldn’t be there for her “NO MATTER WHAT.”  I was a doormat, or maybe I was a revolving door.  Either way, I couldn’t be anything related to doors. It exhausted and frustrated me.

So we could never be true friends.  In my early twenties, I was saddened and upset by that. I just wanted a friend SOOOO desperately.  Now, in my thirties, I understand that it was okay to let her go.

Here is an example of a sacrifice I CAN make.  I have a TRUE friend that is insecure.  About everything.  Her past, her parenting, her looks.  Heck she’s insecure about being insecure!!!  She NEEDS a true friend that can give constant ENCOURAGEMENT.  It doesn’t come easy to me.  In fact if I left myself, I can get annoyed with it. Because I am  more of a, “Buck Up Buttercup!” type.  But I do it, I put EFFORT into encouraging her because I care about her deeply.  The value of her friendship to me, far outweighs being uncomfortable.  And guess what, she gives me quality time, despite the fact that she’s a mom, and a wife, and a successful business owner.  She is a wonderful friend to me!

So the moral of my tale is this:

***It’s very important that you take some time and find out what YOU NEED in a friend!  Then ASK for it!****

***Take a hard look at who you consider your friends to be.  Are you able to be their TRUE friend?  Can you sacrifice and give THEM what they need? Do they give you what you need?  If not, release them KINDLY into the “acquaintance” group.  Because in the long run, you’re taking the place of someone who can!***

I hope that you find my position on friendship helpful, especially if you are lonely.  Being lonely sucks!  I’ve been there and I would hate to for you to be there too.   If you have a question, let it rip!!  I promise to REALLY try to help you if I can.  I have messed up so many times, I have a really reliable list of what NOT TO DO!  Good luck friends!

 

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How to Make Friends. Part Two

24 Dec

Continue reading →

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The Fairy Tale Thanksgiving.

19 Nov

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I have been daydreaming about the picture perfect day.  Mine goes something like this:

 

All the prep work has been done days in advance, and all I have to do is baste the organic, free range turkey that I have NEVER been able to afford in the past.

 

My children are neat, well-groomed and sit nicely at the table. When they are finished with their meals, they play quietly and kindly in the living room, so the adults can finish their meals in harmony. My three year old eats all his veggies, and my 18 month old doesn’t attempt to re-drywall the ceiling with mashed potatoes.  And if she does, I find the mess THIS year, instead of my insanely clean mother-in-law finding it NEXT year.

 

My step-children show up on time, exclaim that they are sooooo excited to be here and are delighted to try some new veggie side dishes, because suddenly their picky eater mentality has disappeared. Turns out, they shutter at what their lives were like before me, roasted brussels sprouts and green bean casserole (made without the can of heart stopping grey slime) and would never want to go back.

 

My husband, after watching the turkey carving video almost 1000 times, manages to PERFECTLY dismember our beautiful, juicy turkey. He also is actually home for Thanksgiving, instead of working at the fire dept.  I also remembered EVERY ingredient so I don’t have to send him across town for poultry seasoning, milk or a frozen pie crust to replace my botched homemade ones.

 

I am not sweating like a pig from being in the kitchen all day.  My hair isn’t in a frizzy bun on top of my head, but straightened and there is not a single GREY hair to be found. When the table is set with my Versace china, Waterford goblets, and SILVERware, I simply get to untie my vintage apron and sit down with my family. My chic Banana Republic ensemble is stain-free and lacking in soggy armpits because no one needs to know how nervous I am about doing a good job.  Once seated, I don’t have to get up from the table twenty times, to get little things that I have forgotten, and so of course, my meal stays hot and delicious.

 

While I am eating my HOT meal, we go around the table and say what we’re thankful for, suddenly – each of us has an epiphany!!!  We change our lives for the better, serve humanity, and improve our relationships with each other and God.

 

I have managed to make enough gravy this year.  Without lumps.

 

My entire out-of-town family suddenly knocks on the door, surprising me because I am sooooo homesick for them over the holidays.  AND I have enough food, chairs and gravy to accommodate them all.

 

Somewhere a magical “dishes elf” has come while we were peacefully eating and has done Alllllllllllll the dishes,  AND packed up the leftovers in neat rows in my fridge.  The elf however, leaves a note and says that its okay for me to take the credit for the sparkling clean kitchen he left for me.

 

 

My photography skills have instantly become professional grade and our family photo is so good, that I can upload it to tiny prints (for which I downloaded the Groupon, got an insane deal, and remembered to use it BEFORE it expired) and make our Christmas cards EARLY.

 

Coffee and dessert are served later that night without the pressure of having to camp out at stores for Black Friday.  Because for once, I have already done all the Christmas shopping and for twice, we stayed within budget so we don’t have to stand in line for the best deals.

 

My in-laws are so overwhelmingly grateful that they volunteer to come up a couple of days early to help with the cooking and cleaning, next year.

 

And finally,

Everyone feels well-fed, loved and appreciative for all the things they have. 

My Thanksgiving will probably never be this perfect, but hopefully we can achieve this end result all the same.  I hope that everyone who reads this post has a wonderful Thanksgiving with the people they love.  Please, please, please remember the BRAVEST of us, who have forfeited the holidays with their loved ones, to keep us safe.  God Bless the Troops!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

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How to make FRIENDS – part one.

13 Nov

For some reason, when I was ages 0-19, I was terribly lonely.  As a kid, my parents were constantly trying to find the “better” education (really the problem was me) and so I was in and out of schools all through my childhood.

4 schools in elementary, 3 schools for middle school, and 2 schools for high school.  Needless to say, I was pretty lonely.  Not quite “imaginary friend” lonely, but close. I invented imaginary lives so if anyone did approach me, I would have this cool life to wow them into being my BFF.  I know, I know.  I’ll cover that stuff in therapy as soon as we get closure on my shopping issues.  🙂

Then I joined the military. (GO NAVY!) Something about ACTUALLY getting through boot camp gave me so much confidence, that I ACTUALLY started to believe that people would WANT to be my friend. I became determined to never be lonely again.  I still moved around a bunch, that didn’t change.  The thing I changed the most about being able to make friends, was my actions.

Now, wherever I go, I ACTIVELY seek out groups with similar interests.

Example #1: When I was stationed in Jacksonville, I joined the “Multi-Cultural” committee.  I am not sure WHY we need a committee dedicated to promoting other cultures, the military is a culture in itself, race was hardly an issue. However, I wasn’t in touch with my “culture” and I figured SOMEONE must know what it’s like to be a lonely Mexican-Italian woman in a strange world. NOPE!!! I was wrong.  Turns out, there aren’t that many people out there with my special “cultural blend” that genetically and historically causes me to be addicted to carbs. BUT!!! I made two friends!   Suddenly the challenge of finding a friend in 4000 people – YIKES – became easier when I chose a group of 10.

Example #2: When I was stationed in Norfolk, VA, I joined a command led beach running group.  Again, the command size was about 500, but the running group had 12 members.  I sucked at running, still do, but it was a great way to meet people who cared about being outside, being healthy and having fun!

Example #3: When I was stationed in Oak Harbor, WA, I went religiously to the dog park. Dog park people love the outdoors and taking care of their animals similar to children!  (Caution: Sometimes it can be a teensy bit weird to see people making out with their dogs.) Think “play dates” for pets!  The people I met there turned me on to a local dinning and wine club and poof!  I had friends!!!!!!

See the pattern?  Gosh, I hope so because I am running the risk of losing you at this point…

Narrow your focus wherever you are!  Don’t move to a new city or new job and spend time feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is a WASTE of time!

YOU ARE COOL ENOUGH TO BE SOMEONE’S FRIEND!!!

I currently live in Stuart, FL.  It’s a smallish city,  CHOCK-full of people who have grown up here.  That was REALLY intimidating to me at first.  Doubt started to creep in…… I began to ask myself why in a city full of people who had the same friends since high school, would they want to get to know little ‘ole me?!  But because I had an infant son and became a SAHM, (stay-at-home-mom) I was going to go crazy without some adult interaction!!!!! So I joined a little group known as Stroller Strides, and that lead me to another little group called MOPS and that led to me joining Junior League of Martin County! Before long, I discovered that I had a CORE group of friends that I could trust with the REAL ME!!!

So, think about what you’re into and google a group in your city.  Reading? Search for book clubs. Excercise? Search for groups like Stroller Strides. Food and Wine? Search for a local wine shop and start going to tastings! Volunteering? Seek out a Junior League! Love Jesus? Find a church and join a small group!

BE BRAVE!

BELIEVE THAT GOD MADE YOU AWESOME… JUST AS YOU ARE!! 

THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WAITING TO MEET YOU!

In part two we’ll cover the dreaded, “Saying Hi.” 🙂

Good luck!

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First Entry! Yay!

18 Jul

Welcome to my blog! I’m Cecilia and I am truly tickled you are reading this!

I’m completely over the moon about it!

I’ve been wanting to start this for a while now but just haven’t had the chance. What takes up my time? I’m so glad you asked, their names are Husband, Son, and Daughter. They are my life – most times I love it!

Other times…….. Well, I still love it but it can feel good to whine.

This is Husband. He’s great, he’s mostly perfect, and he’s the ultimate family man.

Plus, he’s a Hottie.

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This is Son. He’s three and a half.  He’s a handful.  Well, more like two handfuls and if I had three hands, they would all be full of him.

He’s funny, smart as a whip, and beautiful. And LOVING. And KIND.

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This is Daughter. She’s made of sugar, and like her Daddy, she’s easy-going and sweet-natured.

I’m so glad to be her Momma.

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Since this is my first entry, I want to keep it simple and short. I hope to post blogs about my life and my thoughts. I love food, so hopefully you’ll see some recipes on here. I love fashion and makeup and I want to share tips that I have picked up along the way.

My biggest hope for this blog is to throw my thoughts out there into cyberspace and possibly entertain those who read it. Let’s create an online community where we share and make each other laugh. Please don’t criticize or demean anyone, I will not hesitate to delete comments I feel might be hurtful.

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Life Through the Big Screen

A podcast where I invite guests from all walks of life to discuss their favorite movies, and we use that film as a starting point to talk about deeper issues such as faith, politics, and social issues.

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